Male Biological Clocks are Real
How my husband's longing to become a father challenged my identity
I was not the girl who played with baby dolls and dreamt of being a mom. My uterus never throbbed at the sight of babies and if I am being completely honest, my attention span for babies and children has always been pretty short in general. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids. I like them in small doses knowing they will go home with their parents. I enjoy mentoring youth and I adore being an aunt and spending time with my nieces and nephews, but I do not want to be solely responsible for their well-being and outcomes. I like exposing them to new experiences and witnessing their wonder at trying new things without the pressure of the associated upkeep. In other words, I am an excellent titi and godmother. However, I married a man who wanted to be a father.
This was not the case when we met or even when we said, "I do." It was a development over time.
On our second date we went for a walk and I was clear about what I wanted.
“I don’t want to have kids,” I said. “I don’t want to grow another person inside my body.”
“That’s cool,” he said casually. “I’ve never been around kids much so whatever you want is fine by me.”
At that point, we didn’t know we would become husband and wife. But, I already had friends on their way to filling minivans and it was important that my partner knew where I stood on the subject because I was firm in what I knew about myself.
Fast forward a few years and a wedding to a morning brunch, just the two of us.
“I think we should start a family,” he said, looking up from his half-eaten plate of eggs and pancakes. It was a casual statement but I almost choked on my coffee.
“Why?” I asked. “We’re already a family. Me, you and our dog. Having a kid isn’t going to start our family. We started that when we chose each other.”
“I never thought I would want to be a father but seeing your brother with his son and spending time with our nephews...I want that.”
He might as well have said, “I know I said you would be enough, but I need more. You are not enough for me to feel whole,” because that’s what I heard.
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